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Welcome to the... Forest is the pilot episode of Venture: Spalding.

Transcript Edit

  • (Robert Jacob gets dropped off at Terrence's house by a vehicle.)
  • Robert Jacob: ...thanks, driver.
  • Driver: Any time, my man!
  • (The Driver drives off, leaving Robert standing in front of his house.)
  • Robert Jacob: Not so sure about this new lifestyle. Ah, whatever.
  • (Robert walks into Terrence's house. Cut to the interior. Terrence is playing the guitar.)
  • Terrence Jacob: Ah yeah, Robert, my bro!
  • Robert Jacob: Hey, Terry.
  • Terrence Jacob: What are you doing out of the big city?
  • Robert Jacob: Long story. Terrorist attack left my apartment in ruin.
  • Terrence Jacob: Damn, that's gotta suck.
  • Robert Jacob: Yeah, no sh*t Sherlock.
  • Terrence Jacob: (Noticing his suitcase) What is that?
  • Robert Jacob: My coat?
  • Terrence Jacob: No, the case.
  • Robert Jacob: That's my briefcase.
  • Terrence Jacob: GIMME!
  • Robert Jacob: NO! It's full of all my-
  • (Terrence grabs the case and opens it.)
  • Robert Jacob: Hey! Don't spill my papers all over here. They're for a very special-
  • Terrence Jacob: Has it occurred to you that your office is miles away from here?
  • Robert Jacob: Well, I could drive... wait, scratch that. You got me.
  • Terrence Jacob: Yeah, we mostly just walk around here. I'll be giving you a tour of my house.
  • Robert Jacob: Thanks, I appreciate it.
  • Terrence Jacob: Okay, so we're in the living room. The bedroom is to the left, and the bathroom is to the right.
  • Robert Jacob: Ah, not so different from my apartment after all!
  • Terrence Jacob: Yeah, but this might be an issue.
  • Robert Jacob: Can't be too big of one. Fill me in.
  • Terrence Jacob: Well... there's no pipes.
  • Robert Jacob: Excuse me?
  • Terrence Jacob: No toilet, sink, or shower. You wash by the lake and poop in a bucket.
  • Robert Jacob: NO. Nope. I'm outta here.
  • (Robert tries to walk out, but Terrence stops him.)
  • Terrence Jacob: Once you're in this life, you're in it for good.
  • Robert Jacob: UGH.
  • Prisco Jacob: (Faintly) Bare, you son of a- (crashing sound.)
  • Robert Jacob: Uh... who is that?
  • Terrence Jacob: Well... he's our neighbor.
  • Robert Jacob: I don't think I want to meet him.
  • Terrence Jacob: You don't really have a choice.
  • Robert Jacob: Fine. Let's just say hello.
  • (The two of them go up the rope to Prisco's house, then enter.)
  • Prisco Jacob: DON'T MAKE ME GET THE-
  • Terrence Jacob: Hey, Pris.
  • Prisco Jacob: HI BLONDE GUY. Who new person?
  • Terrence Jacob: This is my brother, Robert.
  • Robert Jacob: Yeah, uh... I'm new around here.
  • Prisco Jacob: NOOB! BARE, THIS GUY NOOB.
  • Robert Jacob: (Sigh) Figured as much.
  • Prisco Jacob: I gonna throw show for you.
  • Robert Jacob: Okay, I guess?
  • (Cut to the brick road to Robert's house, with a table set up.)
  • Prisco Jacob: This one called Killing Trial.
  • Robert Jacob: ...oh.
  • Terrence Jacob: I don't think I've seen this one yet.
  • Prisco Jacob: First, we get wood.
  • (Prisco Jacob places a bunch of stakes on the ground.)
  • Prisco Jacob: Next, plates.
  • (Prisco Jacob places some plates on the stakes.)
  • Prisco Jacob: TADA!
  • Terrence Jacob: Yeah! Woohoo!
  • Prisco Jacob: Act 2. Flip.
  • (Prisco tries to pull the tablecloth off of the table, but simply rips it.)
  • Prisco Jacob: OOPS.
  • (Prisco flips the tablecloth upwards, causing all the items to fly up.)
  • Prisco Jacob: TADA.
  • (A pie lands on his head.)
  • Prisco Jacob: Done.
  • Terrence Jacob: YEAH! That was awesome!
  • (Cut back to Terrence's house. Robert is sleeping on the floor.)
  • Robert Jacob: Are you sure I'll get used to this?
  • Terrence Jacob: Yeah- after a while. Sorry that there's only one bed.
  • (Cut back to day. Robert Jacob and Terrence are walking outside.)
  • Robert Jacob: So... how's about I try and get used to the layout of this town?
  • Terrence Jacob: Yeah, it'll really help you in the long shot.
  • (Cut to Prisco Jacob in a tree branch, he is holding a pot.)
  • Prisco Jacob: I'm gonna kill the noob.
  • (Prisco Jacob drops the pot, which narrowly avoids hitting Robert Jacob.)
  • Prisco Jacob: DAMMIT!
  • (Prisco Jacob falls down, landing in front of Robert and Terrence.)
  • Robert Jacob: PRISCO?
  • Prisco Jacob: What?
  • Robert Jacob: Did you try to kill me?
  • Prisco Jacob: No.
  • Robert Jacob: Then why did you say "I'm gonna kill the noob,"?
  • Prisco Jacob: Oh.
  • Robert Jacob: Don't you ever try to kill me again. I'll get the authorities if you do. (Looks to Terrence) Uh, they do have authorities here, right?
  • Terrence Jacob: Now, this town isn't full of cavemen, is it?
  • Robert Jacob: Poop. Bucket.
  • Terrence Jacob: Eh... fair point.
  • Robert Jacob: Alright, shall we?
  • Terrence Jacob: Uh... shall we what?
  • Robert Jacob: Take a walk?
  • Terrence Jacob: Oh, yeah.
  • (Cut to the fountain.)
  • Terrence Jacob: This is the Grand Fountain, or the "lake", as I like to call it.
  • Robert Jacob: So this is where we get our water. I'm guessing this is also what we pour our piss into?
  • Terrence Jacob: Ha ha ha ha ha... no. You throw it out the window.
  • Robert Jacob: At least I'm not pouring someone's excrement into my mouth.
  • Terrence Jacob: Anyways, I gotta show you how to get water! (Grabs a bucket) This is your water bucket. You scoop it in. (Terrence does so) And then bring it home. The walk back will probably get you thirsty.
  • Robert Jacob: What if I already am thirsty?
  • Terrence Jacob: Then you take a sip.
  • Robert Jacob: Maybe you're not as crazy as I thought you were, after all.
  • (Cut to the mine.)
  • Terrence Jacob: This is the quarry. We imprison the nastiest of people here, forcing them into labor eternally.
  • Robert Jacob: Oh...
  • Terrence Jacob: It's also where we hire people who just want to do some mining and have a good time.
  • Robert Jacob: Phew, that's also an option.
  • Cyan Jacob: Hello, Terrence. And you must be-
  • Robert Jacob: Robert. I'm new here.
  • Cyan Jacob: Ah, yes. I see a good citizen in you. You probably won't have to work here. Unless you want to, like me.
  • Robert Jacob: That'd be cool and all, but I'm kind of just on a tour around these parts.
  • Cyan Jacob: Good to know, there's a lot around here.
  • Terrence Jacob: I'll show you to the marketplace and other stuff sometime later, Rob. Now should really just be time for us to rest.
  • Robert Jacob: Sounds like a plan.
  • (Cut back to Terrence's house.)
  • Terrence Jacob: So... Robby?
  • Robert Jacob: Yeah?
  • Terrence Jacob: You think I could form a band.
  • Robert Jacob: It's debatable. You seem like the kind of guy that could pull it off, but you also have a Bionicle arm, and you probably don't want much stress on it.
  • Terrence Jacob: Eh... I want to be a guitarist, but I don't want my arm falling off every gig.
  • (Cut to Prisco Jacob's house. He is reading a book called How to Live.)
  • Prisco Jacob: Okay, now I gotta read. Step 1: Be born. Done that. Step 2: School. Been there. Step 3: Live. Doing it. Step 4: Die.
  • (Prisco Jacob jumps out of his house, screaming. He lands on the roof of Terrence's house, smashing it open.)
  • Robert Jacob: ...you weren't trying to kill me again, were you?
  • Prisco Jacob: Did I die?
  • Terrence Jacob: ...no?
  • Prisco Jacob: AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I DIDN'T DIE!!! I. HATE. LIFE!!!!
  • (Prisco Jacob climbs back up the rope, then viciously attacks How to Live and Teddy Bare.)
  • Prisco Jacob: I. WANT. TO. DIE.
  • Terrence Jacob: Wait. (Pan down) You want to kill yourself?
  • Prisco Jacob: YEAH!
  • Terrence Jacob: Well, suicide is illegal here, so you'll probably be sentenced to work in the mines for attempting it.
  • Prisco Jacob: F**K YOU! I'M GOING TO DIE AND FINISH MY LIFE.
  • (Cut to the mines. Prisco gets dropped off there by a vehicle.)
  • Cyan Jacob: Why is this dude here?
  • Driver: He wants to die. Probably going insane.
  • (Vehicle flies off.)
  • Prisco Jacob: So I can no die?
  • Cyan Jacob: No...
  • Prisco Jacob: FINE! I STUCK ON STEP 3 AND I NO CARE... how do I get out?
  • Cyan Jacob: When you mentally repair yourself.
  • Prisco Jacob: Okay. What do to repair me?
  • Cyan Jacob: You gotta mine some rocks. It really takes all the troubles away from your life.
  • Prisco Jacob: OH, OKAY! (Prisco punches Cyan across the face.) MINE ROCK!
  • (Prisco grabs a pickaxe, then hits a rock.)
  • Prisco Jacob: ROCK NO BREAK.
  • (Prisco keeps hitting the rock, until his pickaxe cracks.)
  • Prisco Jacob: ROCK STILL NO BREAK!
  • (Prisco throws the boulder at Cyan, causing him to fall to the ground, bleeding.)
  • Prisco Jacob: THROW ROCK FUN!
  • (Prisco Jacob grabs another boulder, then throws it across the mine. Cut to a troll having a dinner party.)
  • Miner: Yo, this party is lit AF.
  • (The rock hits the souffle at the table. The troll gets mad, throws his wine glass, then runs over to Prisco.)
  • Prisco Jacob: WHERE ROCK GO?
  • Troll: GRRRRRRRRR... YOU RUINED MY SOUFFLE!
  • (The troll is about to punch Prisco, but he grabs the troll's fist and throws it out of the mine.)
  • Prisco Jacob: DON'T FIGHT PRISCO!
  • (Prisco runs over, grabs a wine glass, and then runs back to Cyan, who now has a large bandage on his head. Prisco then throws the glass at him, causing even more bleeding.)
  • Prisco Jacob: OOPS!
  • (Prisco then turns and runs away from the mine, back to the town. Cut to Terrence's house.)
  • Terrence Jacob: If we're gonna have a band, where should our first gig be?
  • Prisco Jacob: ME NO WANT TO DIE ANYMORE!
  • Terrence Jacob: Well, as long as you don't want to hurt yourself, I'm okay with you.
  • Prisco Jacob: YAY!
  • (Prisco Jacob grabs the pie from before, then takes a bite of it.)
  • Prisco Jacob: YUM! ME NEED MORE PIE!
  • (Prisco runs out of the house.)
  • Terrence Jacob: Now, as I was saying, where should our first gig be?
  • Robert Jacob: Shouldn't we decide on whose in our band first?
  • Terrence Jacob: Good point.
  • (Prisco runs back with a pie encased in an ice cube.)
  • Prisco Jacob: MORE PIE!
  • Robert Jacob: Uh...
  • Terrence Jacob: Maybe let that once thaw for a bit?
  • (Everyone looks at each other, then laughs.)